Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Jordenne Roller Coaster Narrative

Clear And 'Juicy'Some of my writing can be understood by my audience.My message is able to be understood, and my writing does not turn off the audience.My writing has audience appeal and the message is very clear.
ContentI've attempted to write about one main idea.I have a key idea in the first sentence with supporting details in the following sentences.I've used sentences that are connected and build up the main idea
Sentence BeginningsI've attempted to use more than one varied sentence beginning.I have a key idea in the first sentence with supporting details in the following sentences.I've used carefully chosen vocabulary/clauses as sentence beginnings.
Variety of sentencesI've attempted to use a variety of sentence types, lengths or complexities.I've used a variety of sentence types (.?!"") and sentence lengths and complexitiesI've carefully chosen a variety of sentence types, lengths & complexities to enhance the paragraph.
VocabularyI've attempted to use some clever vocabulary.I've chosen some clever vocabulary and have tried to use it appropriately.I've carefully chosen clever vocabulary and have used it appropriately.
“Please, please mum!” cried the the twins (Jasmine and Kate). “No! I have told you both you are coming with us, on a family trip!. So come and help me carry these bags” Jasmine and Kate looked at each other. “What are the bags for??” “For our food” answered the mum (Jamie). “But…..” “No I know what you’re thinking, so we are not eating stuff from the carnival. Today we are eating healthy”

Jasmine and Kate rolled their eyes “Gooosh!” And they stomped their way into the car. “Mike!!! Josh!! Hurry up we’re going now” Mike (dad) and Josh (son) was doing their hair. They got the gel and wax and wiped it on every single part of their hair, and brushed it again. They walked outside with Mohawk. The mum was going to say take it out but it was too late, they had to go.

“Lets get this party started!” Josh shouted as he hopped in the car. Jasmine and Kate still begged their mum. “But mum…..our friends Jackson, Kelly and Rachel are going to be there” Jamie looked back at them and said “Oh great! Then they can come with us” Jasmine mumbled and said “But we don’t want to go with you” Josh heard and shouted “Oooooohhhh mum!” Jasmine grabbed him and blocked his mouth with her hands. “Yes Josh” Jasmine looked at her mum and smiled “Nothing mum, nothing” Jasmine looked down at Josh and gave him the evils. So she blocked his mouth the whole way.

“Wow! It looks awesome!” Mike said. “We’re gonna have heaps of fun! Oh look at that roller coaster. It’s HUGE!!” Mike said again excitedly. Jasmine took her hands off Josh’s mouth and jumped “Eeeeewww!! There are slobs everywhere on my hand! And it smells disgusting. Ew! Please, please say yes Josh. Did you….” She paused for a second then continued “Brush...your...teeth?!” Josh looked at Jasmine and said “Yes” Jasmine screamed and said “Aaaaahhhh!! He didn’t brush his teeth!!” Jamie got some tissues and grabbed Jasmines hands. “Get over here! You're embarrassing yourself” And she wiped it off. “What was it” “Uhm…..” Jamie looked at her angrily but then Jasmine was saved when Jamie her friend and hugged her.

They had to wait for her. Kate jumped up and said to her twin. “Jasmine I have an idea!” She whispered it into her ears. “Brilliant!” Mum looked at her and said “What?” Kate covered for her and said “Uhm...It’s great for us to be here as a family” The mum looked at her friend and said “Thats weird?? They didn’t want to come” They both laughed.

Jasmine and Kate looked at Josh and smiled but one big evil smile. Josh was scared and said “What?” Jasmine bent down and giggled “You want 50 bux?” Josh smile and nodded. Then Kate said “You do...if you want it run away!” Josh turned that smile upside down and said “But…...Oookay” They gave him $50.00 and he ran away.

“Ok, bye Josie” Jamie waved. “So let’s go!” They all walked and the two twins smiled and fist pumped each other. When they got to the Dodgems Jasmine and Kate saw their friends Jackson, Kelly and Rachel then they cried “Mum, Dad! Where is Josh!?” They frightenly looked at them. “I thought you had them!?” The mum shouted. “Well, lets go look for him!” Jamie and Mike ran everywhere looking for Josh.

Jasmine and Kate waved at their friends and told them to come. “Hey guys!” said the two twins. They all hugged each other and started talking. About 5 minutes later the parents were still looking and searching. “Josh! Josh! Where are you!?!?” Jamie shouted. “Oh look! I can see a little boy!” They ran towards the boy and told him to look up. “Josh? Honey is that you?” The little boy looked up. “Well, close enough” Mike said.

Jamie stared at Mike and said angrily “Hurry up!” They searched everywhere, “Josh! Honey where are you?!” the mum cried. Josie looked up at Mike. “Look up there” Josie stood up and looked. “Is that Josh?” asked Josie. “Yep, yep it is” Mike answered. Josh came down and there, he saw his parents. Then he blocked his face with the candy floss. Josh saw a hand on his candy floss, and it peeled the candy floss away from his face. “Hey mom, hey dad” They both shook their heads and asked “Why?” And he told the parents everything that had happened.

Back to the twins they were riding the Dodgems with their friends. “Aaaahh!” screamed Jasmine. “This is awesome!!” shouted Kelly. When they finished they got out and they saw their parents and Josh. “Oh you found Josh!” They ran up to him and hugged him. “Where have you been? We were all worried about you!” acted the sisters.

“Jasmine, Kate you can stop because we know what happened.” said the mum. “You do? Did Josh tell you?” The parents nodded their heads. “Look mum, we’re sorry, we just wanted to spend time with our friends” Josie looked sad and said “So you want to spend time with them then you’re family?” Then they walked away. The twins felt ashamed of themselves, so Jasmine and Kate ran up to their mum and hugged her. “Mum we are really sorry please forgive us” They smiled at her and the mum replied. “Well….sure ok” They all hugged each other. “This is very sad” Josh cried. “Group hug” Then he jumped in with them.

“Josh, we are sorry too, and sorry for being bad sisters. We love you.” They kissed him and hugged him. “So Josh you wanna go on that ride again” asked the mum. “Yes,yes!” He jumped up. “Let’s all go as a family” The twins said. And they all were happy!

The End

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